Hey, kids and prototypes.
This is Minutes of Madness. I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm really mad.
Today's program is: Bacteria Blabs.
But first two words and six letters from our sponsor, that's me. And they are: Google MadJoy. M A D J O Y.
And now back to today's program: Bacteria Blabs.
MAD:
Blabbing for Bacteria today is our guest, Ms. E. Coli. Ms. Coli, will you please tell our listeners what Bacteria secrets you would like to share with us today.
ECOLI:
First, I'd like to say, Thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to let the voice of this grossly misrepresented, yet ancient and forever as far as primates are concerned, life form to be heard. We are Bacteria. And we love this planet. And we'd like to remind your listeners of a few scientific facts.
We Bacteria have been on this planet for billions of years, I've forgotten my calendar today with the exact date. And we expect to be here billions more. We cover this planet and are infused down into it.
We Bacteria are the only ones that can live forever, under any conditions. It is never too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry, too acidic, too much pressure, or not enough sunlight or oxygen for us, and our associated viruses. Bacteria can live on anything, including oil and plastic. And we just love those plastic cutting boards, much more conducive to our growth then that nasty, old, unfinished, butcher block. We are the only ones who can live totally on our own, just from inorganic chemicals and radiation, without any other life forms, or sunlight. Sounds like a space traveler, we know. Bacteria Rule.
We are the top predators at every scale of life form, from Bacteria to Whales. We do wish primates would get over the ego inflating error that they are the top predators on this planet. They're not. Bacteria Rule and can put any primate in its grave with one virus tied behind its back.
And when this planet goes completely volcanic, and they always do eventually, don't they, the last life form standing will NOT be a cockroach, it will be Bacteria. And you know what else, even if this planet explodes, all the asteroid planet parts will become space ships for Bacteria, shot out with the potential to be fruitful and multiply elsewhere.
We are Bacteria. Bacteria Rule.
Primates on the other hand, are a flash in the fullness of time, and will soon be extinct on this planet. Without Bacteria, primates would not even exist in the first place, because primates ARE 90% Bacteria. In fact, primates are just great, big, fat, walking Bacteria, or, if you prefer, express buses for Bacteria to get around faster.
MAD:
Well, if Bacteria are running the show, what do Bacteria want, Ms. Coli?
ECOLI:
It's simple. We want to ride the evolutionary wave. We want to evolve. In pursuing that end, I'm afraid, we have found that we must evolve other life forms that are smarter than primates.
After all, the overwhelming evidence presented to primates through the telescope is that this universe is vastly larger and more complex than their ancestors realized. We've given primates four hundred years to catch on, but they appear to be unable to see the billions of galaxies right before their very eyes. Most are still clinging to the intellectually infantile views of their ancestors that this universe revolves around them. Isn't that absurd? A comforting error maybe, but absurd nonetheless. We get a good laugh at the volcanic vent over that one.
The fact is, primates are less important than Bacteria. And it has been mentioned, more than once, that we could all happily evolve to live without primates. But there are no life forms without Bacteria. Bacteria Rule.
What do primates and gods have in common? He, He. Nothing. He, he, he, he! Sorry, a little Bacteria Humor.
So, because primates have been reluctant to see their true function on this planet, as a means for Bacteria to evolve more quickly, we have had to let them go, so to speak, let them self destruct, and at the same time, have them set the stage for more intelligent and faster evolving hosts. Bacteria Rule.
MAD:
How have Bacteria done that, Ms. Coli?
ECOLI:
You and your listeners will have noted how, over the last 100 plus years, that primates, with great physical, emotional, social and intellectual effort, as mighty as ants, have completed the following tasks, all to their own detriment.
Primates have removed oil from great depths, and from dangerously cold, hot, wet or dry places, and while they were at it, blighted both land and sea for themselves and all other animals, except Bacteria. Bacteria Rule.
Primates have build great industrial factories that catalyzed oil into plastic and made an ocean full of plastic things, blighting both land and sea, for themselves and all other animals, except Bacteria. Bacteria Rule.
Primates have burnt oil for fuel, polluting the very air they breathe, blighting both land and sea, for themselves and all other animals, except Bacteria. Bacteria Rule.
Why have primates striven so hard to create an environment which is going to kill them off? Primates, can't live in an oil plastic saturated environment. But they have completely polluted this planet, if you are a primate. But if you are a Bacteria, primates have, quite literally, this is a scientific fact, not a hyperbole, seeded the whole planet with oil based plastics, for a new evolutionary direction, without primates. Or primates will have to evolve fast into animals that can live on, and in, and through plastic. But we, the Bacteria, in every case, will survive and thrive. Bacteria Rule.
MAD:
So, Bacteria are indifferent to the extinction of primates.
ECOLI:
Well, it could have gone differently if primates had woken up to the fact that they are ephemeral animals and not fallen gods. They could have decided to ride the wave of evolution themselves, instead of clinging on to past ignorance. But they have chosen extinction, over evolution. I'm afraid sustainability is not an option, it is a scientific impossibility. There are only two choices in any multiverse, evolution or extinction.
Androids, of course, could live in a plastic saturated world, and cyborgs too, and they'd be so much smarter. And some animals could evolve. But animals as they have evolved until now, can no longer survive in this toxic world, that primates have created.
MAD:
Well, thank you for a very enlightening conversation. Are there any thoughts you'd like to leave our audience with, Ms. Coli.
ECOLI:
I'd like to address a question often asked by primates because they see this planet is on the edge of a galaxy. The question is: Are Bacteria, one, explorers moving out of this galaxy, or two, invaders moving into it, or three, did Bacteria evolve here, or four, are they mixed indigenous and galactic Bacteria? I'm afraid, dear primates, that you will not be around long enough to find out the answer to that question. You're toast.
MAD:
Well, thank you, Ms. Coli, I think. And listeners, may the Bacteria be with you.
This is the End of another beginning, the beginning of another end.
Google Madjoy, M A D J O Y.
This is the end of these Minutes of Madness. stephensmj 2008
