Hey, if you’ve passed third grade you should know that consumer advertising uses all the psychological techniques of Manchurian Candidate brainwashing. If you need proof, then next time you find yourself in the kitchen at ten o’clock at night, do a fast rewind to see if you haven’t just watched a pizza, or some other fast food, commercial on TV. You want to reduce the obesity epidemic in America. Ban fast food advertising after six o’clock at night.

So advertising matters. It influences behavior. It encourages you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Like buy and use deodorant that is possible lowering your sperm count. Didn’t see that news on CNN did you. Advertisers make a differences on what gets on TV. How about just washing your pits daily instead. Think of the time and money you’d save. What about the chicks? If she doesn’t like the way you smell in a reasonable clean vertical, why would you even want to get horizontal. The fact is you’ll have better sex with someone who likes the way you smell, and vice versa, you should like the way she smells au naturel. Perfume, cologne and deodorant are scams, billion dollar scams. Perfume, like everything else but liberty(Better have too many choices, than too few), is best in moderation. A gift of perfume can score points, but make it a small bottle, the smaller the better, the big bottles are cheap stuff, the smaller the bottle the more expensive the perfume. Buy the cheap stuff and put it in a small bottle, then she wouldn’t be tempted to use too much, and, if she knows anything about the stuff, she’ll think you’re real suavee.

To the ad. You know the Hummer Ad, where the couple, young passable dork driver and the female passenger, who is obviously bored out of her mind, obvious at least to any one but her totally self absorbed infantile boyfriend that is, are racing around what appears to be the Alaskan Wilderness Preserve, kicking up gravel. Why ARE they even there?

Not to see the wildlife, that’s for sure. Any animal, including any sensible homo stupidus, within a hundred miles would be long gone before they roared through.

Not to see the landscape, they’re going way too fast to see anything but a grey blur.

Not to breath the fresh air, they’ve got the windows up to shelter themselves, and their presumably way too fragile constitutions, from every and any thing that actually, could even possibly, cause them to have anything so threatening as an actual physical experience, beyond sitting imprisoned in a vehicle of passive reduction, i.e. a vehicle the reduces one to passivity.

Why ARE they there? Not to hear or feel the crunch of the shale under their feet. They never get out of the vehicle. They just race around in circles, like demented nonagenarians. In fact, that might be their excuse for what they’re doing. They’re really old dementia patients, with really good face lifts. But they’re too decrepit physically to get out of the damn Hummer. Nahhhh. They’re just too decrepit mentally. Both of them. Hey, she has a mouth, she should use it. “Stop the damn Hummer. I want to get off.” Take that as you will. And let me tell you, driver dork really is homo stupidus if he mistakes racing around in circles in a pseudo tank for fucking foreplay, take that literally. Why ARE they there?

Not to hear the sounds of the wild, the waves, the howls of animal or wind. No, windows are safely up to shield their fragile eardrums.

And can’t he see, she is his mother suffering thorough her little boy racing around in his pedal car; only this is a monstrous, gas guzzling, war inducing vehicle conceived for the purposes of Dr. Strangelove destruction. Does he really think she gives a shit? Talk above alienation. He is totally out of touch with everything in his environment, including the homo stupida sitting next to him. I think we can take it that he never did pass third grade.

If only dumb and Hummer could separate for a least a moment, and he would take a walk on the beach with his girl friend. Or even better an exuberant run. Wouldn’t it be romantic? Hell, wouldn’t it be healthier if they could let their exuberant animal selves out this pricey mobile coffin.

Nahhhh. Never. He’s been too well trained, or rather brainwashed. Here’s a guy who learned his lessons too well in the 19th factory worker conditioning system that passes for American education. Sit here, don’t move, don’t talk, don’t think, don’t relate to anyone or anything around you, deaden your senses and feelings to all surrounding stimulus, just follow instructions. Process information, do meaningless work without question, concentrate on this small limiting task, let it absorb all your attention, read this word, drive this car. Be a robot, don’t experience your world. Just obey, just go on auto pilot, don’t be present, absence yourself from your own life. Just drive. Fit in. Sit here. Don’t Move. Don’t Relate. Be Numb. Be Dumb. Just Drive. And you’ll go nowhere fast, until death do you depart.

Why ARE they even there? Tearing up this pristine wilderness, not only totally unaware of its beauty, if they had a clue, they’d get out of the damn Hummer, but what’s worse, they seem totally immune to it. Why are two blind people allowed to pilot and copilot this hulking big destructive monster through an unsuspecting wilderness.

Why ARE they even there? And not at some dingy, backwater stock car raceway? What’s the difference in their lives, I mean she’s bored dumb, and he’s just dumb and Hummer.

Why are they even there and not a nondescript raceway? Why precisely are they in what appears to be the Alaskan Wilderness? If I was a conspiracy theorist I’d be on a trip about: Big Oil and their common interest with Big Car makers, the Boobshs, oops, Bushes, Big Oil Incarnate, and their attempts to open the Alaska Reserves to drilling, the Carlyle Group(look for The Iron Triangle on Amazon.com), and the whole Eisenhowerian military industrial complex Armageddon.

Being more cynical, I’d guess some ad guy wanted to go on a fishing trip up their, and have Hummer pay for it, well it was a business trip, they made a commercial about Dumb and Hummer.

MJ Stephens.
Website: stephensmj.com.
Podcast: Minutes of Madness, Check your provider.
YouTube Video: Booduh Dude and The Wishbone Fairy, Epic Tales from Madland.
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